I said welcome to my show!

I turned 29 on March 3rd, 2010. One year away from..thirty. Scary thought indeed. So I celebrated by living out my greatest childhood fantasy. I fronted my rock n roll band playing in front of a sold out crowd in one of the most beautiful outdoor venues in the world. Ok, so maybe I actually played on a small stage to about 40 people. But to me, I was in a jam packed arena in front of screaming fans who knew every word to every song we sang. Its what i always wanted since as long as I can remember. And yet, on my 29th birthday, it was my band's first proper show. Though in reality it was the second time my band Myerjack had played for people. The first time was interesting to say the least.

The genesis of my band goes back to 2000. Or at least the name does. I would love to say that it was a name i drew on fictional posters that I envisioned would be plastered all over the world. But it all came about far more accidentally. And in all fairness maybe goes back a little farther.

In high school, I was in the marching band clique but had aspirations to branch out. No easy task for a short guy with a mullet and braces but I was gonna go for it. Slowly I crept out of that pigeonhole. I was lucky that I had a carefree attitude and would just talk to people and found that people usually would talk back regardless of social status. I was on good terms with a lot of people that others in my position should not have been. Confidence is key. There was one girl I decided I would get to know.

This girl was cute but I was more intrigued by her than anything. She had a sweet smile but I knew nothing about her. We were in a few classes together so I decided that I would speak to her as well. Sure to my plan it worked and this girl who was not of my social circle was soon talking with me on a daily basis. It was never romantic or anything and it was never supposed to be. Just me reaching beyond my limits that others enforced and accepted. More on that another time.

Fast forward to after graduation and in the year 2000. I am in Wal Mart with my family. Ugh I wish this story did not start out that way but what can i say? They rollback prices and I am in! In Wal Mart I am greeted by a voice I had not heard since before graduation. There was the girl with the sweet smile. She approached me and we exchanged pleasantries. We parted as my sister came walking over to me. She asked who that girl was. I told her it was Kristen Meyerjack. She looked at me and then said, "There's your band name." I dropped an "e" and Myerjack was born.

Ok so maybe it was just conceived. I would move to Nashville and play around with a few lineups before feeling that Myerjack was ready for the public stage. In March of 2007, our drummer Brandon said that his boss wanted us to play at a party he was having. We had visions of how fun it would be to just get out and do a show. My partner in all things Myerjack is Justin Jacobs. He and I have been playing together since 2005 so we were feeling antsy to actually play for people.



We accepted the gig but we still had one problem. It wasn't lack of experience or anything that easy. We had no bass player. We had tried out a guy named Keith and decided we needed to accelerate the process. Keith fit with us and was a great guy so he officially joined the band the Tuesday before we were to play this show. Nothing like trial by fire. Lucky for us he was a quick study.



I was set to arrive later than everyone else. Due to my overnight job at the radio station, I had to sleep late. I wasn't nervous so I slept very well. I got dressed and started the 20 mile drive to the "show". Jake called me and told me this would be a very interesting experience. I listened to some early Def Leppard demos on my way. Here was a band that would go on to be huge in their very early raw unpolished stages. It gave me hope and put me at ease. I felt confident about our songs and ready to have some fun.



I arrived at the house to find my drummer arguing with his wife. This was no shock especially on a show day. I just knew his wife would try to sabotage anything good in his our our lives. Apparently one of them had locked their keys in their car and drama ensued. As the argued I made my way around the back of the house. I saw our gear placed on 4 pieces of plywood covering the grass. Not quite Madison Square Garden.

We took the "stage" and played 5 songs. No one really paid any attention to us. I wondered why we were even there. The "crowd" was fifty feet away and to the left in a tent. As we weren't a cover band I could not blame them for not paying attention. It was an odd idea to even have us there. I think our drummer's boss knew he had a band and figured it would be nice to let us play.

We played with some manufactured enthusiasm and I sang poorly. I half-assedly twirled a cane I brought as a prop. The vibe was just all wrong. And we played a ballad! What were we thinking? I am pretty sure even we were bored halfway through the song. The best part of it was that my buddy filmed it for us. We would have the opportunity to relive "The Plywood Show"(as it came to be known in band lore) over and over and as often as we wanted.

When we finished we figured we should celebrate this milestone for the band. It was decided we would hit up a chain eating establishment best known for their waitresses in tight white shirts and orange shorts. Of course the argument between our drummer and his wife continued and he decided not to join. After packing up we headed to the owl adorned restaurant. We spent the whole time ragging on the guy. This was the beginning of the end of his time in Myerjack. One step forward, two steps back.

With one gig under our belts we felt pretty good. We watched back the tape of our show like a football team watches a game. We strategized our strengths and weaknesses. We critiqued ourselves to improve upon our performances for next time. But that would be a ways off. before the end of '07, we had lost a bass player and a second guitarist. Happily we were able to replace our drummer quickly. We were on our way....

Just keep walking

After reading my previous blog(if you haven't yet, do so then come back here), you understand my feelings toward the ending of a relationship. But how do I find myself stuck in these things? Given what you must think of me as an almost human being, you no doubt can't believe any chick would really want to spend extended periods of time in my presence. What you don't realize is that so few are given the chance.

Let me take you back a few weeks. A buddy of mine from many years past(Tom, who you may remember from my blog about my first band) invited me out with some of his friends to celebrate his birthday. We sat at dinner as I became acquainted with his friends. Stories were exchanged and good times were had. After dinner we headed out to one of the lovely music/drinking venues on Broadway in Music City. Tom has a girlfriend so that left me and two of his buds flying solo. As one of his friends began to drink, he started going through every woman in the bar and picking out the good pieces of all of them. That is where he and I differed.

The optimist in him was looking at the good: Perfect Breasts, beautiful hair, great ass and well, you know the attributes men covet the most when half in the bag and looking for something whose morning breath won't be better than the face it emanates from. Yes he was in pursuit of something cuddly and was looking at the bright side of his options.

Those of us who don't drink are not so forgiving. Instead of looking at the good, I was and always am drawn directly to what is wrong with every woman I cross. When I explained this to my new best friend, he was intrigued. You see, he had some mornings he would regret and was intrigued of my ideas of being so finicky that some of the top Hollywood actresses would not find their way into my bed. He asked me then to lay out some of my supposed deal breakers. We played a game where he would pick out a girl and I would find some superficial reason why she would have no chance with me. He was entertained and yet completely fascinated. So this blog is for him.

Let's start with the superficial shall we.

Short hair. I like my women to have long hair. More specifically, it would be nice if they had better hair than mine. This is no easy feat I assure you so I can forgive that. But for me to find you attractive, you must have long hair. At least an inch past the shoulder if not a lot more. He pointed out to him what was an attractive girl who had a very closely shorn hairstyle. I told him to go for it. No thanks. Of course if you have long stringy hair and the tips or your ears are sticking through, keep driving through you Vulcan. Color me pet peeved.

Bad Teeth. I like my women to have all of their teeth...or at least all the ones that grew in. I know some of you...ok maybe one of you who may be reading this have a hereditary thing where some of your teeth did not grow in right. If you got a bridge, I can forgive. But to those of you who let them abscess and fall out, or have not fixed the problems caused by lazy childhood incisors not knowing when to let go, you will not find your way into my world. You have dental insurance! Fix it!

Porn attire. Look, we men love you ladies showing some skin. We really do. But I don;t care how popular Jenna Jameson is, we don't you dressing like a porn star or a prostitute behind on her rent. I'm not saying that walking in with a sweatshirt on and your day old hair in a bun is going to prompt me to approach you, but save that for when we are comfortable and enjoy each other's company. Classy but not frumpy is the way to go. Come in wearing a bra and a skirt, you will get my eyes, but not my ears.

Tramp Stamp! Or quite honestly any tattoo. My inebriated compatriot kept staring at the beautiful blonde bartender in this establishment. I could not blame him. She was indeed a tasty morsel. She looked very good in her sweatshirt, which is no easy task. He looked away and i caught her bending over. After catching a glimpse of her magnificent posterior in her ever so tight denim shorts, my eyes caught site of a foul blotch of permanent ink splotched right above her waist band. Ladies, please stop this. You can tell me that it means something to you. You can tell me you were young and dumb. But really, you don't need to justify your decisions to me. I am just some guy you just met who has no interest now in seeing you naked. No explanation necessary. I don't think the butterfly on your ankle is cute. I don't like brass knuckles on your left breast. I don't even like your memorial to your grandmother who read to you when you were 5 and your Teddy Ruxpin ran out of batteries. Beautiful story no doubt, but that still is not going to get you in the running.

Well that was superficial. And yet, let's look at what I left out. Age(well please be above 18), weight, race. Yup all that stuff is way secondary. If you are 43, a bit overweight(obesity looks good on no one sorry) and Korean, you are not automatically disqualified. That is, until we start talking.

Bad conversation. If you can't talk the talk, don't bother walking. Its a sad state of affairs that some women out there believe that men want a dumb chick, or at least one who is not smarter than them. Nothing is sexier than brains...and beautiful red hair covering the scalp atop the skull that protects said brains. Of course conversation is really more about social skills than smarts. But the two do intertwine. Please be socialized. If your parents sheltered you and kept you away from other kids the the point where you are afraid of your own shadow so you hide in the corner, we won't get long for long. Great conversation with a social and witty woman will stimulate me more than just about anything...well, within moments of meeting that is. Ladies, please be smart if you are. Be powerful and confident. If a guy is intimidated by that, then he is a little boy with issues and you can do better. You can do me.

Offspring. We get to talking. You are witty and I am enjoying our repartee. Then you throw out the idea that you are a mother. Single mothers can be hard working fantastic women who dedicate their lives to their children as the man who left them to do this is off doing blow off the back of a stripper. However they can't be potential mates for me. I don't like children. I don't want any. I don't want to be dad to your little buddy and I certainly don't want to hear stories about your spermed egg and the cute things it does now that it has broken free of your womb. I refer to children as "it" and would much rather you have a dog. At least you can leave your pup home for a few hours while we go to a concert. Now if you are a little older and your kid can be left home alone as you go to a concert, then the conversation is reopen! You have re qualified. Congratulations.

Those are just the easy ones. When we talk you will say things. I will be judging what you say and how you say it. I will listen to details that you are using for exposition and find they say more about you than the plot of your stories. You will tell me a heartwarming story about that one summer you spent with your mom and your step dad on a farm and how great it was and I will focus on the fact that your real dad was not part of your life and that may cause some "daddy issues". Its unfair, I know. But let's face it, its better than the guy who will bang you and slip out before the sun comes up. Its far nicer than the girl who will tell her friends the story of the cute guy she met but he was a loser because he had spinach in his teeth.

Yes these terrible guidelines I have laid out could make any woman angry. Then again, don't we all have these. I know my long hair is not for every girl out there. I know I am chunkier than I should be and shorter than I want to be. I can get rejected on these merits. Things I can and can't control. I judge you based on what you do, how you represent yourself and how you deal with situations. You judge me based on genetics and my written words of honesty and your notions of the perfect match. I just don't waste time. Mine or yours. But I can guarantee you I will be polite and courteous. Judging by what I have seen happening lately, not everyone is as courteous.

I'm not God's gift. I'm honest and harsh. However, I will keep these thoughts to myself and politely decline your invitation. I will lie to you as to why so that you walk away with your head up. I will not lie to you so that your head ends up in my crotch. If you make it to my world, you have passed many a test. Good for you. Sure you didn't want to be tested. But at least I am not some jackass who just wants to get in your pants and forget your name. And let's face it, there are always exceptions. Impress me! And I will do the same for you.

I'm an asshole. But you could do a lot worse. And let's face it, you have.

No need to whimper. No Need to shout. This party's over....

I am a single man. I know that with all these looks into my life that reflect my ever glowing personality that this is no easy piece of meat to digest, but it is true. And all you ladies out there who want to know just how glowing I am, my last breakup was done via text message. Yes, I sent the text. Your groans and red hot anger are somehow beaming through the information superhighway at lightning speed and resting firmly in that part of my brain directly behind my eyes that can only be compared to a brain freeze headache. As I drink my milkshakes rather slowly, I can only blame your disappointment and rage.

What kind of a man does this? Is he really more boy than man? I could go into a magical explanation as to why this was the right move with this particular girl, but I will spare you. No, I will just sum it up as succinctly as possible for you.

I'm an asshole.

There is no good way to end a relationship nor a less painful way. These are myths women like to believe in for some reason. And we men go along with it all the while knowing it means nothing. The Band Aid(or adhesive strip) rips the hair no matter how fast or slow or how far away you are when it is pulled. And yet emphasis is placed on this.

There is the respect factor. Supposedly there is a timetable of how long you are with someone that dictates how you break up with them. One such edict states that if you are with someone longer than a month then you are obligated to end your relationship with them in person, looking lovingly into their eyes and telling them that you have lost the power to care for them anymore. That the sound of them eating or the way they blow their nose or the way they sigh instead of speaking makes you want to punch your own face rather than sit in a room with them and talk about their day. Yes all of this is supposedly better related in person.

Ok but that is only if their is honesty in the break up. But women, I am going to part with a dirty secret here. You have conditioned us men to lie. You don't actually want to know if you are too fat for that dress, do you? You don't really want to know if that waitress is better looking than you are. When you anger us, you don't really want us to tell you. A good amount of us who are older than the Emo generation can actually sort out our own issues with what you do and look past them, thus not angering you and maintaining the status quo. And you would not have it any other way.

So why should all of this not apply to the end? Do you really want to know why we are breaking up with you? Do you really want to know what you did wrong? Or would you rather the "It's Not You It's Me"? If we didn't point out your faults during the relationship, why should we start now? Fixing your issues does nothing to help us if we are done with you. Sure we could be helping a brother out in the future. But let's face it, just because we are done with you does not mean we can't wait to help the next slimy XY chromosonian round third base and head for home.

No, we would rather let you believe that we are done with you for some silly reason. We all lie at the end. The only ones who don't are the ones who are caught cheating. It's the only moment of honesty in a relationship full of lies. The rest of us just end it the way we let it roll on. Full of deceit. We give you the excuses about moving in different directions. We tell you we need to find ourselves. We tell you that you are great but we need some space.

And ladies, is that really better? Women always end up asking some friend of a friend is there is someone else. Is that what you want? Do you want us to find the next one before we get rid of you? Does that make it better? Is it easier to think that we prefer someone in particular over you than choosing the hope that we can find someone better than you? Being told that we want someone else over you must be hard. But I imagine it is harder to be told that we just don't want you. The message is the same no matter what. We sugarcoat and we choose our words wisely but we are still saying that we don't want to be emotionally responsible for you anymore.

And how does the delivery of said message change any of that? Is it better to be told to your face that your face sickens me? Are you looking for a shred of decency and compassion in my eyes? Keep looking baby, I'm all tapped out. Then there is the indignity of the crying. And sorry men some of you fall into this world too. Who wants to see this? Is there anything more unattractive than a crying adult? Everything is leaking on your face at once. It is foul. You don't want to do that in front of me and I have no interest in seeing it. I don't owe it to you to sit through this, regardless of how long we have been together.

Then, there is the begging. I never understood this. If someone does not want to be with you, why do you want to convince them to stay with you. Once again I am looking at some guys out there too. Why try to win someone back? Winning ones affections for the first go around is a grand pursuit and always worth it. But trying to sell someone the same old car that they are looking to send to the scrap heap is just not reasonable. And your commission will suck if that is how you go about it. When someone says they no longer want to be with you, take it for what it is. Don't make them explain exactly why you have no chance of convincing them to change their mind. Let it go.

And what better way to ensure that none of this embarrassment happens than to do it over the phone. Sure you could call, but whimpering and crying sounds terrible over wireless phones. And the begging is usually a second behind the answers as to why you are no longer wanted so that could get frustrating. But this is still an option.

In today's modern world we have an even better way of breaking up from another household. Short Messaging Service aka SMS aka Text Messaging has changed everything. In 160 characters or less I can sum up how it's not you and that we are going in different directions. And the best part is that you can calculate your response and save face. Yes, there is a very quiet dignity in our 21st century toys. All words chosen wisely and no words said in pathetic sadness that you will later regret.

I know you are asking about email and Instant messaging but these are truly child's play. The lack of instant in e-mail means you are stuck in this relationship until the other person acknowledges receipt of said message. That is far too long to be stuck with someone you want away from. And Instant Messaging is practically dead due to unlimited text plans on phones so just send the Termination of Relationship plan direct to their 10 digits and be on your way.

I've made a lot of generalizations here. I've always said you can hurt yourself being offended at what I think or have to say. If you are offended, then maybe you need to step away from the keyboard. Or maybe you see some shred of truth in my lack of humanity that scares you. Either way, no not every man or woman is like this. Quite honestly I see more men taking on the formerly female role in relationships and more importantly and sadly, break ups. There is no good way to be told someone doesn't feel for you how you do for them. The best you can do is break up with them and let them hate you. Being "nice" in a break up only makes the person hurt more because you are so great even in ending things. Make them hate you and you have done it right. In our times, 160 digital characters travelling over a 3G(or 4G but let's face it, if you are on Sprint, your messages don't go through anyway) network is the humane way of making someone let go. Anything else is a waste of time.

Yep. I'm an asshole.

3 Black Eyes And A Busted Nose

It's my feeling that we all have irrational things happen to us in life. Things that just defy explanation no matter how much we look back at them and try to make sense of the situation. We retrace our steps and the steps of anyone else involved to see how we came to that point. When I think of irrational moments in life, I am brought back to a particular moment in my sophomore year in High School. The day I was forever deformed.

Sitting in second period Literature class, I was thinking ahead to third period History. I had been absent earlier in the week and knew we had a test coming up that day. Absence is no excuse. Remember, I come from Connecticut where we had real education. So knowing this, I began to seek a solution to my issue. The test was an open note test, yet I had no notes. I remembered that the kid sitting in front of me, Andy, had the same class fifth period. We were not friends. Andy was the kind of guy who would sell out his best friend if a popular kid so much as looked at him. It was during this year that I began to straddle the line into the popular world as the football players in this very Literature class took a liking to me. So he was not the type I would befriend but we were ok with each other. I tapped him on the shoulder and explained my dilemma. I came up with the idea that I would borrow his notes for Third period, go to Spanish class for fourth period and then wait for him outside that very History class prior to fifth period for the return of the notes. A fantastic plan and he accepted my terms. He handed me the notes and my life was changed forever.

I went to History and took the test. Then, in accordance with the plan, I went to Spanish class. After Spanish, I took the short walk around the corner and waited outside the History classroom to make the note exchange. We had four minutes to get from class to class. We were signaled that our four minutes were up by a ball and when that bell went off, if you were not in your classroom, you were late. Well i waited on Andy. And waited. I waited until the bell rang alerting me that I was late for fifth period. I waited an extra few minutes and still no Andy. I didn't know where the hell he was or why he was now late for his test, but I had my own attendance to worry about and I took off to fifth period Band without giving it much of another thought. I did not see Andy for the rest of the day.

Thursday began like any other day. I went to first period math and joked around with my buddy Jeff. Then off to Homeroom. The bell rang to signal that we were to go to our second period class. It was a short walk to second period Literature and I happen to run into a guy I talked with from time to time Kris, on his way to the very same class. I turned from the hall and entered the classroom. My head was turned backward to the left as I was talking with Kris who was behind me. I turned my head back to the front. BAM!!

Something hit the left side of my face. My initial reaction was that someone was throwing a baseball in the room and it nailed me. I am not sure how I came to that conclusion but in that split second it made sense. As I regained my senses, I became aware of Andy standing in front of me cursing me out. As I had not gone down or even lost my balance, I just looked at him and walked right through him. It was while walking I realized he had hit me. In my own way, I am largely passive. If that made him feel good then so be it. I looked better than he did as his baby punch had not even knocked me off my feet so really, I was already the winner. I turned into my seat and it was then I noticed the trail of blood I was leaving in my path.

My teacher had not yet entered the room but I grabbed a tissue from his desk and held it to my nose. Andy was still cursing at me but I was not paying any attention to him. Other students were still in a bit of shock but I think a few were rooting for a fight. Within seconds of holding the tissue to my nose, I had dyed it red all the way through. He had gotten me good enough to give me a nose bleed but I felt fine so I wasn't worried. I felt no pain after the initial pressure of the impact had subsided. So I wasn't overly concerned about my nosebleed. My teacher entered the room and asked me what was wrong. As Andy had not done much damage and I wasn't in pain, I told him I had just sprung a leak. More and more tissues were now fully crimson and my teacher handed me a handkerchief. That too was soon dyed completely red. It was at this point that my teacher thought that maybe I should see the nurse, if for no other reason than just to make people in the room more at ease. There were pools of blood on the floor from when I switched out the tissues.

In the nurse's office, I held to my story. A random nosebleed had hit me and it just wasn't stopping. She gave me an amazing amount of paper towels and and told me to hold them. At one point when she was checking on me she had me switch paper towels. With my nose visibly revealed to her from under the abundance of paper, she asked me if I had ever broken my nose. I replied that I hadn't but that I have a big nose and I can't blame her for thinking so. Finally the bleeding stopped. The paper towels were remaining their native color so it seemed the worst was over. I stepped into the bathroom to clean up. I splashed my face with water and scrubbed under my nose. Then I looked in the mirror.

My nose, as huge and grotesque as it already was, looked like the letter "C". It started normal enough at the top but then it heavily veered to the right side of my face before returning back to its natural position at the bottom. If you had to wake up and see this face staring back at you in the mirror everyday, you would be used to the horrors found in reflection. But I couldn't get God in trouble for doing this to me. But Andy had altered my appearance, and I could take him to task for it!

I stormed out of the nurse's bathroom and said to her that I had lied. The nosebleed story was bullshit and and I was hit...no I was attacked...wait, I was assaulted!! We got the dean of students in the room with us and I told her exactly what went down. I heard the announcement over the loudspeaker. "Andy to the Dean's Office". I would have felt happy except I had this issue of a mis-shapen nasal cavity. My mother left work to come pick me up. "Yeah, you got banged up good.", she said. We went to an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor and he confirmed that my nose was indeed broken(thanks Doctor Obvious), and would require surgery. I had never broken anything before or needed surgery so this was distressing news. It was scheduled for Monday. I went home for the rest of the day. However, in the world of teen pressures, one problem loomed large. Friday.

Up until this point, no one had really seen my nose. Undoubtedly word of the incident spread like crazy for the rest of the day. I was well known(famous? infamous? you decide) and no doubt when Andy returned to class he would tell others about it. Andy. What was my recourse with him? I knew he would be suspended but I knew we could do better. I always told people that if someone wanted to fight me I would let them hit me and then just sue them. It was the mid 90s. Retaliation put you 98% at fault! The only thing to do was to take the high road. I had unconsciously already done that.

The day was not over for injuries though. That Friday evening I was to go to the Brooks & Dunn/Reba McEntire concert at the Hartford Civic Center. I was going with 2 girls, Margie(who could drive) and that very friend who, if you remember my previous blogs, was trying to lure me away from Amanda earlier in the year(if you are confused, see my "http://www.jonmhyde.com/blog/2009/10/sink-or-swim-you-gotta-give-it-whirl.html" blog). Well the two of them got into a minor car accident that afternoon. Margie was ok and the other friend had a hairline fracture of her pinkie finger. And she was already playing it up. I was assaulted and deformed but she bruised her hand. Ugh. What would our combined injuries mean for our Friday night festivities? And even worse, how was I going to go to school with my face even worse than normal? The answer to these and more questions in our next paragraph!!

Friday morning arrived and as I left my house, I grabbed a bandanna. At the bus stop people were already curious. A lot of looks of disgust but that was normal. On the bus I put on the bandanna. Old west outlaw style tied around the bridge of my misplaced nose. I walked into the area where my group of people hung out before school and people were begging for a reveal. I waited a few minutes, while listening to Margie and her friend playing up their accident to the one person who would listen, my ex who was not speaking to me. All the others wanted to see my freak self. I waited and waited but then I pulled the bandanna down and revealed my schnoz. People tried to say it wasn't bad but their faces betrayed them. With that over, I headed into my day.

First period Math and my buddy Jeff shared some interesting info that he had not thought to share with me the previous day as we sat in the very same chairs. He had spoken with Andy the day of the note snafu at lunch and Andy said he was going to punch me as I was responsible for him failing this test.* I now had proof that this whole sucker punch was pre meditated. People who knew me and my stance on fighting began asking me if I was going to sue. I had every intention of doing so. The rest if the day people stared like I was an oddity. My second period Lit teacher snubbed me as I think he was mad at me for lying to him. The greatest validation in it was during fifth period Band when my fellow drummer and Senior classman Todd, who had fallen through so many cracks he never gave anyone other than his 2 other drummer friends the time of day, asked me if I had gone down. "No Todd," I said, "I walked right through him to my seat." "Good job." he said with a smile. Yep. I was tough.

The day ended and I was determined to go the the concert as were my two companions. We probably looked like a recovery room nightmare moreso than happy concert goers but nothing was gonna get in the way of our fun night of country music. It was during my boredom as Brooks & Dunn played that I realized I was still able to breathe through my nose, despite its appearance. I expected that this was a good thing. It made watching Reba that much more rewarding.

Monday rolled around and I went in for surgery. I was in the Operating Room and they had started the anesthesia. They asked me to count backwards from ten. I think I hit 9 before the next thing I knew I was being woken up by an oxygen mask on my face. I really just wanted to sleep but they gotta wake you up. Now, I don't remember leaving the hospital, but I swear I walked out. However it has come to my attention that you aren't allowed to walk out after an operation so I have no idea. On my way home my parents asked if I was hungry. I wanted Pizza Hut. We grabbed a pizza and headed home. I sat on the couch and started eating. I was about 3 bites into my first piece and I was out like a light. I was awoken at 2:30 by a call from my friend Michelle from the school payphone checking up on me. Then I wanted more pizza. I had a small cast on my nose that itched like crazy but at least it was straight.

However, my nose was altered permanently. As if it wasn't big enough, it now has a bump in it that was not there for the first 16 year and 1 month of my life. I was offered plastic surgery, courtesy of a lawsuit filed against Andy. Yep, against the wishes of my school as they were concerned his pending military career could be hurt, I had Andy arrested for assault and then promptly sued him. I was sucker punched as I walked into a classroom and felt I had every right. However I passed on the plastic surgery. Looking back I am never sure if that was a right decision or not. I have periodic breathing issues that may or may not be linked back to that fateful day in April of 1997. And everytime I breathe awkwardly I think back and wonder how the hell borrowing notes for a History test turned into such an irrational act.



*He ended up scoring higher on the test than I did. My nose was broken over a B+.

You Treat Me Like The Dog I Am

I have found many instances in life when certain memories disappear for a while. Not blocked or anything, but just fade away. I don't think about them for a while. Then, something sparks one. And the funny thing is, once that memory is brought back to the forefront of my brain, I will find other triggers for it usually pretty quickly. All of a sudden, something that I hadn't thought of in years is something that seems to come up a lot. Case in point:

Last week, a friend of mine from back in Connecticut told me he ran into Mandy randomly at a show. I had no idea who Mandy even was so I probed further. He reminded me she was a friend of an ex-girlfriend I had back in 2003. I hadn't thought of her in years and her name did not trigger any recognition. But there it was, the memory. And now that it was back, it was due to appear one more time this week.

Back in 2003, I was in the midst of what many would call a rebound relationship. Yep, that girlfriend you have just because she is there and better than nothing, though usually only slightly. Hell, in the long run, it's probably better to avoid these things. And I have the sick gift to know that that was exactly what I was doing. Most people just fall for the next person who comes along. Not me. I was looking for a good rebound. I was bored and wanted a plaything.

I had met Kristi a year previous. Sadly it was on an Internet message board. Yeah, I am laughing at myself on that one too but at the time it was just friendly. It was my favorite singer's website and she was from 1 town over. We chatted a few times and I was shocked to hear she was not going to see the upcoming Rush concert at the Meadows amphitheatre in Hartford. This was the first time Rush would be on stage together in 5 years and I could not understand anyone missing it. So I encouraged her to go and meet up with me and my buddy there. She obliged and we enjoyed the historic show.

Kristi and I ended up hanging out quite a bit. She was engaged at the time and had a child with her hub to be. She was not my ideal buddy but she was fun enough. One day I was dropping her off when she decided to tell me that she was into me. I reminded her about her daughter and more importantly her fiance and tried to let her down easy. I.e. I lied. I told the equivalent of "Hmmm...ummm..gee...I think you are swell but you are taken. If you weren't I would be all over that but, darn it all, you aren't available." Really I just wasn't into her. She was good for a friend but nothing more. Not at that time.

We hung out more sporadically after that. February 2003 rolled around and Belinda Carlisle was playing a free show at the Mohegan Sun casino. I was looking for someone to go with and my other friends were either busy working or underage. I was only 21 myself at the time so I had a rough time finding people old enough to go into a casino. So I called Kristi. She was of age and ready to go.* This started us hanging out again. I had just had an awkward break up and was looking for a rebound. Bam, there she was.

I know you are asking yourself, what about the kid and the fiance? Well, in the time that we stopped hanging she had left him and left the kid with him. Look, we're not talking a pillar of the community here. Rebounds are rebounds for a reason. But to quote the theme song to Fran Drescher's 90's sitcom classic The Nanny, "She had style, She had flare, She was there." Truth be told she had no style and certainly no flare. But she was there. And at that time, that's all I needed.

She was living in my home town that I had just moved out of a month prior with a friend. Consequently when we hung out we would often bring her friend along. Enter Mandy. Mandy was an eccentric artistic type. To be quite honest, she was what Kristi badly wanted to be. Kristi liked to think she was artistic, but she lacked the creativity. Mandy was different. This was a chick I just kinda felt had that side and came by it naturally. As Kristi and I spent more time together, I got to know Mandy better.

The advantage of being a long haired gentleman who takes great care of said hair is that chicks can get jealous of it or can be in awe. Mandy made it clear early on that she liked my hair. If we would be driving somewhere she would randomly grab it. She would quickly run her hand down my hair from time to time. We would all laugh. One day it became very serious.

I am about to part with a secret here. We come back to the present for a moment to get there though. Just days after my friend reminding me that Mandy existed, a buddy of mine came into town and we were talking as guys do. He mentioned something about a spot on his head that when a chick touches it will just melt him. It was then that Mandy entered my mind again for the second time in a week and yet really for only the second time in 5 years or so.

We would hang at Mandy's house where Kristi was staying often. The three of us would gather in Kristi's room and watch tv and chat and what not. One day, Mandy asked if she could play with my gorgeous locks. I had never had an issue with chicks playing with my hair and Kristi was cool with it so I took my place in front of Mandy and she started. Ladies and Gentlemen....ok, really just the ladies, if you want to turn Mr. Hyde into little boy Jekyll, you play with his hair. I can't tell you what it was, but Mandy just turned me to putty. That first time she just rubbed and massaged for hours. I remember Kristi trying to hint that she wanted Mandy to leave so we could be alone. Acting like I didn't know that was her intention, i kept shooting down that idea as I did not want this to end. What were we gonna do that was better than hair rubbing? Oh well, yeah she probably wanted something dirty but the hair rubbing was way better than anything she had to offer.

We would hang many days a week and most every time we would, Mandy would end up playing with my reddish brown mane for hours. Hell, it's why I visited so often. I was like a puppy dog in her hands. She could have asked me to do anything while she was playing and I would have done it. I was completely under her spell. I still had no sexual interest in her but I wanted those hands massaging my scalp more than anything.

Mandy got herself a boyfriend or 2 and the hair rubbing gradually slowed to a halt. After that, it was obvious to me that Kristi had served her purpose and the rebound had run its course. That is another story for another time. I have not seen Mandy in over 6 years and quite honestly that is no issue. I never had any interest in her other than her skills with the strands of awesomeness flowing from my head. There have been a few chicks to discover this weakness in me since. Some were good at it, some were ok. One was great and gave Mandy a run for her money. The bar for turning Dr Wicked into a comatose teddy bear has been raised. I can sit for hours with the right chick doing the right thing with her hands and my head. But due to my two buds bringing up things I haven't thought about in years, I can look back and remember that silly rebound and the person that was most responsible for it lasting as long as it did; someone who wasn't even in it.

*Just in case you were wondering, Belinda was Belindelicious!

Those were the best of times

More wrap up lists. I don't know why we make these, but we do. Whoo hoo.

Best Songs of the last decade(From albums that did not make my lists)
25.Worth Fighting For - Judas Priest
24.You Ain't Down Home - Julie Roberts
23.Two Lovers Stand - Kip Winger
22.Endless Sacrifice - Dream Theater
21.Soul Mover - Glenn Hughes
20.I Keep Looking - Sara Evans
19.Heaven's A Lie - Lacuna Coil
18.Driving Of The Edge Of The World - Von Groove
17.The Monster Is Loose - Meat loaf
16.Love Is A Bitchslap - Sebastian Bach
15.Don't Look t Me That Way - L.A. Guns
14.Scream If You Wanna Go Faster - Geri Halliwell
13.Breakin' Free - Tesla
12.If I Die Tomorrow - Motley Crue
11.Angel's Eye - Aerosmith
10. Play With Fire - Hilary Duff
9.People Say-Gimmie Some Hell - Jon Oliva's Pain
8.Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson
7.Forgive Me - Shelly Fairchild
6.Push Me Over - Davy Vain
5.Open - Queensryche
4.The One You Love To Hate - Halford
3.Moto Psycho - Megadeth
2.Power To The People - Poison
1.One Little Victory - Rush


Best Movies of the last decade
10.Shine A Light
9.Clerks II
8.The Mating Habits Of The Earthbound Human
7.The Dark Knight
6.The Two Towers
5.Return Of The King
4.This Is It
3.American Beauty
2.Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
1.American Psycho


Best TV shows of the last Decade
10. Fastlane
9. Six Feet Under
8. Curb Your Enthusiasm
7. House
6. Psych
5. Dead Zone
4. Californication
3. Veronica Mars
2. Arrested Development
1. Dexter

21st Century Sha La La La Girl

Of course as 2009 winds down, I am reminded that the first decade of the Twenty First century is coming to a close as well. With that in mind, here are my Top 25 albums of the first decade of the 21st century…or the top 25 of the 00s?? Ugh I don't know. Did they have this problem in 1909 too?

25. Lindsay Lohan - A Little More Personal(Raw)
Ok even I hate this chick. But the sad fact is that her sophomore release from 2005 is one of my most listened to albums of the decade. Lets take a look at thematic shall we. I can't say she wrote anything because who knows what she actually had a hand in but the songs here a very well crafted and she has a decent voice. She won't win American Idol, but she has a raspy feel that does it for me. "Confessions of A Broken Heart" starts the album with a melancholy piano tone before the album rocks up with "I Live For The Day" and "Black Hole". Add in a cover of "Edge Of Seventeen" that doesn't sound like a goat sang it and you have a very good pop/rock album. I dig.

24. Iron Maiden - Brave New World
"Your time will come". Indeed Iron Maiden fans everywhere had waited for 7 years for a new album from the Mighty Maiden with Bruce Dickinson back at vocals. Brave New World arrived in 2000 and did not disappoint. A progressive metal return that had us all screaming "Up The Irons". The leadoff single "The Wicker Man" got the album off to such a start that left Maiden fans begging for more. Songs like "Ghost of The Navigator" and "Blood Brothers" would become live favorites. The album just does not let up and brought many fans back to the fold. Fantastic work.

23. Dixie Chicks - Home
Not much I can say about this gem from 2002 that hasn't been said. This all acoustic album is critically praised all over. So why do I like it? Greatness can't be squashed by asshole critics who like something. In spite of that its a fantastic album. The singles were huge except the last one. The overlooked single. "Top Of The World" is a song that I can listen to over and over. Amazingly powerful vocals from Natalie Maines and the orchestral fiddle put this song so beautifully together. Powerful, emotional music does not get better than this song hidden at the end of the album and ignored by radio after controversy broke out. What is art without controversy anyway?

22. TNT - My Religion
I had a few TNT cds in my collection from the 80s when i picked up MY RELIGION in Virgin Megastore in 2004. I did not know what to expect but had some extra cash so I grabbed it. If there is one thing I love about some of my bands who have been around for a long time, it is the ability to be very modern while staying true to the band. MY RELIGION is a great example of this. Starting off with the crushing "Invisible Noise" the band is still shredding their guitars and Tony Harnell is still singing with all the control he ever had if not more. The band is in top form and the single "Give Me A Sign" shows a band still very cohesive writing at the top of their game.

21. Savatage - Poets & Madmen
The first Savatage album in a decade to feature Jon Oliva on all lead vocals was released in 2001. This is a concept album and includes some of the bands best work. The interplay between piano and guitar throughout the album raises the bar for Savatage music. The standout tracks are "Stay With Me A While", "Commissar" and "Morphine Child", a ten minute opus with canon vocals and blistering guitars. Savatage has remained dormant for the rest of the decade, but they kicked it off with a bang.

20. Miranda Lambert - Kerosene
I am not a reality TV fan or a fan of those singing competition shows. So my first exposure to this Nashville Star was the video for "Me And Charlie Talking". It really didn't do much for me. Then I caught the video for "Bring Me Down" and I really liked it. Add the 3rd single, "Kerosene", a real rocking tune, and I had to buy the cd. Not a bad song on it. Songs like "I Wanna Die" and "What About Georgia" set her apart from all the other Nashville blondes and blazed a trail that Gretchen Wilson wishes she could have. It was the sleeper hit of 2005 from a reality tv show loser, and it hasn't lost a step in five years.

19. Jamie O'Neal - Shiver
This Aussie's debut album struck quite the chord with me in 2000. I happened upon the lead single "There Is No Arizona" on the radio and was taken with how different it sounded from the other songs on country airwaves at the time. It was darker and even a little bleak. That husky sound I like so much was all over Ms. O'Neal's debut cd. From the sultry sounds of "Shiver" to the upbeat excitement of "Frantic" this album is non stop stellar songwriting and fantastic singing.

18. Shelly Fairchild - Ride
Out of nowhere in late 2004 came a video on the now defunct VH1Country. It was a very dark haired girl with a voice that was powerful and a bit..dirty. It had attitude and power. The song was "You Don't Lie Here Anymore" and the singer was Shelly Fairchild. I Made a note on my phone to find out more about her. In 2005 her debut album was released. Though she likes to ignore this album now, her fans have a great love for it. Starting off with the dirty southern song "Kiss Me" the album is very different from the rest of what was happening. She has a flair for hitting big powerful moments("Ride") then bringing you back to softness("Eight Crazy Hours"). And "Time Machine is just a fun infectious tune.

17. Doro - Calling The Wild
Doro's first american release in a decade struck back hard in 2000. Starting with "Terrorvision" a restructured track from her previous European release, Doro was out to prove that she still rocked and she was very busy in her absence from the USA. With help from Motorhead's Lemmy and Savatage's Chris Caffery, Doro hit hard and gained some notice with her cover of Billy Idol's "White Wedding". Songs like "Scarred" and "Kiss me Like A Cobra" signaled the return of the metal goddess. I grew addicted to this album in 2001 and it has not let up for the rest of the decade.

16. Iommi - Fused
Glenn Hughes reunited with Tony Iommi for an album so fresh that in 2005, it could have been all over active rock radio airwaves. Starting off with "Dopamine", the Voice of Rock and the Godfather of Metal sound like 25 year old kids making a bold musical statement. Both men have rarely sounded better than on this effort. "What You're Living For" and "Grace" are further proof. I play the hell out of this disc weekly. Not a bad track of moment throughout.

15. Geri Halliwell - Passion
A release that came out everywhere but America in 2005, the former Ginger Spice's third album successfully blends jazz, euro-pop and dance music into one hell of a collection. The lead off single "Ride It" is very reminiscent to something Kylie Minogue would do but with that Geri tongue in cheek feel. The song found some American success when it was featured on the tv show Queer As Folk. The title track is a jazz number with a full orchestra to back her up. It's a brave album with a lot of fun moments. A highlight of Ms. Halliwell's solo career.

14. Shakira - Laundry Service
The english debut of Columbian born Shakira was a breath of fresh air in 2001. While at first seeming to be a Britney clone to unaware audiences, Shakira brought something new to the pop field. She wrote her songs(with English help) and had strange instrumentation. Pan flute in a hit pop song? By the time "Objection(Tango)" was released, I had to have the album. The deep cuts, songs like "The Rules" and "Eyes Like Yours" help to flesh out an album where any song could have been a hit. A great listen that is just fun.

13. L.A. Guns - Tales from The Strip
When it comes to veteran bands staying current, very few bands do it as well as L.A. Guns. The Guns, with new guitarist Stacey Blades on board, put together a themed album about life in Hollywood. With songs that fit next to their classics and sound as fresh as any new band could ever create, this collection is fun and sleazy and a little rowdy. Is that not what is expected from Phil Lewis and Co? A standout track is a song not written by the band oddly enough. "Vampire" not only sums up the album, but a career in Hollywood by these tried and true rockers.

12. Hilary Duff - Hilary Duff
Hilary Duff's sophomore album does have its ups and downs however this album shows growth in many ways.
Overall the song choice is better than her first. You will never convince me that this is a more "rock" album as it is simply a fun pop cd.There are far less computer effects and alterations on this album than on the first. Hilary is not a great singer. On her first album this was hidden under layers of touch ups. On this album, you can tell she worked on her vocals and the result is an album where we finally hear her sing without many aids. There are a few bum notes even on the album, but that is a far better way to go than the way of her former album. As I said the song selection is superior. The true standout track for me is "The Getaway". This song is the best so far in her short career. Its is catchy and somewhat raw. Very enjoyable. I also enjoy "Weird" for its over the top chorus and overall likablity. The dramatics of "Who's That Girl" and "Dangerous To Know" are very good as well. Maybe having an actress sing is a good thing. I have listened to this album a lot since 2004 and will continue to do so.

11. Skid Row - Thickskin
7 years after Sebastian Bach left Skid Row, the band put out its first original studio effort with singer Johnny Solinger. THICKSKIN puts all naysayers to rest by showing off the songwriting talents of Rachel Bolan and Dave Sabo. Mr. Solinger packs a lot of punch and a whole lot of soul on songs like "Ghost" and "See You Around". The band has not lost a step and perhaps even picked a few up. The raw energy from the band is known for is not lost either. 2003 saw the studio return of a big force in Rock N roll, And the album has not let go yet.

10. Def Leppard - Songs From The Sparkle Lounge
All angst toward the title aside, the 2008 release by Def Leppard finally brought them up to date. Starting with the rocking "Go", it was obvious that the Leps were plugged back in and ready to rock. "Cruise Control" is another rocker that harkens back to the SLANG or RETRO ACTIVE albums. As a Lep fanatic, I really enjoyed this album and quite honestly, I was hesitant. But even the ballads are a step above.

9. Lindsey Buckingham - Under The Skin
2006 saw me purchase my first Buckingham solo cd and it is amazing. I can't define the music on this cd. I can just say it is fantastic. In his own way he addresses aging and the changing state of the recording industry and many other topics. The man who I call the most underrated guitarist in rock is in top form. And his vocals are both haunting and uplifting. True talent. This album is a gem.

8. Poets & Pornstars - Poets & Pornstars
From out of nowhere...or L.A., comes P&P. On Tour with Tesla for most oft2007, they came under my radar when my station began spinning the single "Rock N Roll". What a kick in the ass for my crappy Alt metal station. Then they came in for an interview and left us with an exclusive promo of the album which I immediately listened to. Now this is the goods! Even purchased the official album when it came out because good Rock N Roll should be supported. "In The Dark" is such a favorite of mine as is "Earthman".

7. Guns N' Roses - Chinese Democracy
It finally happened! It only took 14 years but we have it in our slimy little hands. And even though we had heard almost half the songs at various points over 6 years before we got the album in 2008, the album is still a gem. I think the album is a logical progression of the Illusions and sounds fresh. Axl proves that he has what it takes to carry on the legacy of the band. Songs like "Madagascar", "This I Love" and "There was a Time" shine as bright as anything on the Illusions and the title track almost blows it away.

6. Tesla - Into The Now
After a decade without a new album, Tesla delivered INTO THE NOW in 2005. And I do mean delivered. The Title track is not only one of the best of Tesla's career, but one of the best of the genre. Tesla proved that a veteran band could keep moving forward in their career and music and do it seamlessly. The bar was raised for the genre as well as for Tesla themselves. When you listen to "Miles Away" or "Heaven Nine Eleven" or even "Words Can't Explain", you know you are listening to something very special.

5. Dream Theater - Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence
Dream Theater had a hard task in 2002. They had to make an album to follow up one of the greatest concept albums of all time. How do they try to do that? A 2 cd set. CD 1 has 5 songs. CD 2 is one 45 minute song. And what they made may not have been a better album, but they made some of the best songs of their career. I put "Misunderstood" and "Disappear" against most any other song from their career. I like this album a lot. However it was the beginning of over the instrumentalizing.

4. James LaBrie - Elements of Persuasion
In 2005, James Labrie, lead singer of Dream Theater released his 3rd solo album, the first under his name. It took me about a year to get into this album but once I did, I was addicted. The standout track to me is track 10, "Slightly Out Of Reach". Amazing vocals, great flow and killer solos. It is not the only time this decade that a singer's output overshadowed his band's though.

3. Alice Cooper - Brutal Planet
In 2000, Alice put out the best cd in his career, in my opinion. This concept album is dark but so cool for him. It just rocks hard from the beginning of the Title Track. Got to love that song. My favorite on the cd is "Sanctuary". That song is so great. What better place in the world is there than a teenager's room? If you need convincing, check out that song. "Blow Me A Kiss" was the album's first radio single. "Eat Some More" is a really cool tune. He sounds so disturbing. I just recently saw the video for "Gimmie" with Alice playing the Devil. Very cool video for a cool song. I am trying not to go into much detail with the songs, because they have Alice's usual intelligent writing style and I feel I can not do them justice by description. However, just know that "Bag Of Bones" paints a grim picture and was inspired by something he saw on CNN. The album just rocks and is so fresh.

2. Geddy Lee - My Favourite Headache
With Rush on hiatus in 2000, Geddy Lee released his first ever solo album. The title track was a hit at rock radio and the album delivered on that It still sounds like Rush because of Geddy's unique vocals, but there are so many layers to whats going on. Songs like "Moving To Bohemia" and "Still" just get better everyday. Matt Cameron's expert drumming and the stylings of Ben Mink make this album an instant classic. And sadly it did blow away the two album Rush put out in this decade. But all Rush is good Rush and Geddy happens to be great.

1. Beautiful Creatures - Beautiful Creatures
2001 was a strange time for rock music. Linkin Park was hitting big. Marilyn Manson was fading. What an odd time for the greatest rock album of the decade to be released, and by a new band. Joe Leste's vocals are top notch for a veteran rocker. Between his delivery and DJ Ashba's guitar work, this album never lets up and 9 years later still sounds ahead of its time. Real rock n roll brought into the 21st century. This is the album that every rock band should hear to try to get their heads on straight. Balls out, in your face, lewd at times, and always adrenalized. The hooks are there. The attitude is overflowing. And the songs make it happen. The biggest challenge I have had with this album is when I am in the mood to hear any song but the first tune, I can;t skip to it. You load the cd and the riff to "1 A.M." kicks in an you cant hit that next button. Then "Wasted starts and before you know it, you have listened to this whole masterpiece. And you never regret it. This is what rock n roll should sound like.